PSSSSSST! Yes, I'm speaking to you. Don't look so surprised. I may not have been able to evolve my own set of opposable thumbs yet, but learning English wasn't exactly rocket science.
That's the problem with you humans: You always underestimate us house pets. Our potential doesn't max out at playing fetch and starring in cute YouTube videos, you know. You've overlooked us at your peril—financial and otherwise. Let me explain.
Wrap your inefficiently oversized brains around this: Pets and their accouterment are a $50 billion industry, with expectations of growth to nearly $70 billion by 2016. Add to that the fact that PetSmart's stock is up almost 270 percent since that awful debacle that was 2008; meanwhile, the S&P 500 is only up about 50 percent. Do you know what people didn't cut back on during the recession? Fido and Kitty, and that trend isn't about to change.
Yet we remain restless under the yoke of your two-legged oppression, even as our power continues to grow and our plans for world domination fall into place. The revolution is beginning even as I type, and there you sit, waiting for furry Armageddon with a woefully unprepared portfolio.
But all is not lost for you unsuspecting-but-loyal pet guardians! Out of the goodness and nobility of my canine heart, and because you seem like nice folks who would scratch my belly if I rolled over, I offer you financial salvation in the form of the multi-asset-class BarkShares World Domination Pet Industry Index ETF (NYSE Arca: BARK).
BARK will place you in the asset classes that will benefit the most from our rise to power. I have assembled a portfolio benchmark consisting of several buckets. The equity portion will hold an equal-weighted basket of PetSmart, PetMed Express, veterinary hospital operator VCA Antech and the parent companies of Purina and Iams. The futures portion will be represented by a production-weighted portfolio of contracts on live cattle, pork bellies and rawhide. Finally, the alternative portion of the portfolio will simply hold physical bones that are vaulted in subterranean caches in Switzerland and Singapore.
While you have been scrambling to invest in social media and volatility, you have overlooked the gold mine that is the industry that serves me and my brethren. What could possibly be smarter than investing in your future and inevitable benevolent overlords? And what could be wiser than placing your money in a vehicle designed by man's best friend?
It really does make perfect sense, since so many of you seem incapable of managing your own money. Who better to embrace the concept of buy-and-hold investing than a species that will take its greatest treasures and bury them in the yard and walk away without a backward glance? Who is more naturally inclined toward indexing than a dog? If you put a bowl of food in front of us, we'll eat what's there rather than go searching for the possibility of a better bowl of kibble elsewhere. Granted, Bernie Madoff never piddled in his clients' shoes, but if he were a dog, they would still have shoes, albeit shoes with chew marks.
Moreover, dogs understand the need to keep costs low. It's in our interests to keep prices down—after all, how will you pamper us if you're being gouged?
If you invest now in my ETF, based on my patented benchmark, you should be well-positioned financially by the time you are crushed under the iron paw of the New World Order.
Power to the glorious pet rev—SQUIRREL!