The Future Of ETFs
One of the things we pride ourselves on at Index Publications is our crystal ball. By poring over obscure SEC filings, combing through patent and trademark cases and good old-fashioned shoe-leather reporting, we think we’ve got a pretty good handle on where the indexing and ETF industry is headed. Here for the first time is a selection of ETFs we’re particularly looking forward to seeing.
As always, market conditions and SEC approval can delay the launches.
WEED: With medical marijuana now legal in 14 states, it was only a matter of time before the ETF industry cashed in on the trend. Based on the “High Times Righteous Buzz Index,” WEED will invest in agribusiness companies, the hemp futures market and fungible stockpiles.
CHTO: WEED’s physically backed sister fund will consist entirely of high-calorie snack foods. The fund’s assets, which will be placed in a vault in Amsterdam, will be audited biannually, or whenever WEED’s custodians get the munchies.
SCUM: This “special situations” fund focuses on the assets of some of the country’s most creative investors and accountants, old and new. Not just focusing on cleanup operations in the aftermath of Madoff or the credit crisis, SCUM will track down the current “hot picks” from such luminaries as Bernie Ebbers and Charles Keating.
FLOP: A true value play, FLOP will invest solely in companies whose stocks have been unnecessarily punished. Key holdings include Crocs, Vonage, Transmeta, and the recovered assets of Internet retailer Webvan.
SCAM: This actively managed stock-picking fund from a major active mutual fund manager will be the first to take advantage of a special SEC “blinding” exemption. While the NAV of the fund will be published, creation baskets will be made entirely of precious metals. Redemptions will be made in cheese.
FAT: Cashing in on the continued high levels of unemployment, demographic trends and the American obsession with fast food, this ETF will invest solely in fast-food companies and manufacturers of insulin pumps.
SPAM: Following up on the success of OOK, this ETF invests solely in companies based in the Hawaiian Islands, and Hormel Foods Corp (with some inexplicable crossover into Russian Internet start-up firms).
LOL: A new active fund managed by an expert group of BlackBerry-armed 14-year-old girls, who seek to replicate trends hidden in the catalog of Lady Gaga.
BOO: Tracks the Scooby Doo Phantom Index of amusement park owners and hotel operators.
LENO: Invests solely in seven-month call options on companies with second-place positions in their markets.